Freak Magnet Dave

This just isn't what I was expecting for Christmas.

I had done some baking that I intended to take to church this morning. The Squeeze and I got up, did the gift thing (I got an awesome bathrobe, some Simpsons and Family Guy DVDs - yay!) and had our shower while the Brother In Law made breakfast for us. It was a french toast & cream cheese casserole kind of thing. Pretty good. While we were in the shower (The Squeeze and I, not BIL), my father called and left a message. It turns out that he and my mother went out for their morning walk and accidentally left the house with their keys locked inside. They had no way to get in. I live the furthest away, but I was the only one of their 5 kids with a key. So much for church. They had walked all the way to the other side of town to my brother's house, so they waited for us there. I told my father we'd be about an hour.

We ate our breakfast (quickly), and the Squeeze was prepping the turkey so it could cook while we were away. As he turned to ask me if I wanted the giblets and liver and other fun stuff in the roasting pan too, he turned to face me, however I was not in the room. BIL was, and he received Squeeze's full frontal nudity shot because his bathrobe had come undone. BIL was temporarily blinded, but he's over it now (I think).

We drove the hour to Hooterville to rescue the folks through dense fog, and turned around and drove back because, hey, we did have our own dinner to prepare. When we got back, we tidied up the place, set the table, cleaned the bathroom, and the Squeeze hooked up the new computer speakers I got for him (they rock).

BIL headed out to pick up his kids and the other brother, who I refer to as The Slug. While he was gone, his ex showed up to drop the boys off. A bit of miscommunication, but whatcha gonna do? BIL returned with The Slug who, as usual, looked like an unmade bed. It was pretty obvious that he had started smoking again. I knew his attempt to quit wouldn't work - again. Let me tell you, The Slug reeked like ass. And smoke. And bad breath. And dirty clothes. And unwashed body. And did I mention ass? He saw that I had some containers to one side of the kitchen with my butter tarts and empire biscuits that I was going to be giving away to friends when I went to visit them over the next couple of days. Well, I thought he might have just had one or two, but when I went back by the containers, I was down about a dozen or so cookies and a couple of butter tarts. And these tarts are pretty huge. Needless to say, I sealed up the containers on him. I think he got the message because he steered clear of them after that. It was just brutal. He stank so bad, that The Squeeze was looking through the drawers to find some gum to give The Slug to freshen his breath a bit. Not that it would have helped. Oh, I forgot to mention that he once again arrived with a dirty old shirt that had what I assumed and hoped were several coffee stains down the front of it. Really, how can someone go to somebody's home for Christmas dinner looking and smelling like that?????

I managed to sit a couple of seats away from him during dinner, but the smell and his Darth Vader breathing were getting on my last gay nerve! He also spent a lot of the evening on this computer checking his e-mail. I can still smell him on this chair, the keyboard....the room. He stepped outside a number of times to have a smoke and freshen up his odour for us. The topper is that since BIL's kids are staying over, The Slug needed a ride back to his place. The Squeeze asked me if it was ok to use my car to take him home since it was at the end of the driveway. I shuddered, and agreed, but made him promise he'd drive with the windows open. I doubt he'd have a problem with that stipulation. Who could stand to be in a sealed car with him??? My fear is that when we go back to Hooterville tomorrow for my family dinner, The Slug's smell will still be in the car. Remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry's car had B.O.? I'm talking that kind of stink. It's an entity. I can't wait for the Squeeze to get home to give me the details! But I'm spraying him with cologne first.