Wednesday, February 06, 2008


Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

I saw this on Facebook and some of them gave me a good laugh:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Anyone have any additions to the list?

I don't have any to add, but 1,7 and 18 were my favorites, in accordance with the prophecy.
20. Walk into an antique store and say, "What's new? HA HA HA HA HA!"

21. Order the Turtle Soup and say, "And make it snappy!"

22. Start a band called 'Cement Jesus and the Weiner Poopies'.

23. Tell your Catholic priest your confirmation name is 'Pilate'.

24. Put a couple glossette raisins on each of the toilet seats.

25. Tell your next loud-mouth customer, "Hey, lady, use your inside face."

26. Cast a vote for the Conservative Party. I'm kidding. Don't do that.

27. Tell a flight attendant that you have a bomb and you're taking control of the plane.

28. Tell the cop who pulls you over that you want a return-trip ticket so that you can speed home too.

29. Tell your customers "I know you are but what am I?" after everything they say. Unless they say, "You're Cement Jesus," in which case you say, "I know I am and you're a weiner poopie."

30. sudebu.

31. This is fun. I'm sort of getting carried away. Aren't I?

32. Put a couple glossette raisins on the toilet seat every day for a week and then on the last day leave a couple real turds instead.

33. Ask everyone in town, "What's all this business about Cement Jesus and weiner poopies? It's all anyone ever talks about anymore?"

34. Run down the street naked except for a rolled up newspaper up your butt and lit on fire and yell, "Hootchie hootchie! Where's the flood!!"

35. [This space reserved for the handicapped and pregnant mothers]

36. Tape a little sign to the hand blower in the public bathroom that reads, 'press for message from Prime Minister Harper'. Leave a couple glossette raisins while you're at it. Or some weiner poopies.

37. Slap your hand over your forehead and say "Damn that Fwig. I have to start moderating my comments."

38. Set three pigs loose in an office building each with a number painted on their backs - numbers 1, 2 and 4.

39. Wait in a phone booth until someone else comes along needing the phone. Drop an air wafer just before you leave.

40. Beginnen Sie ein Band, das ' Kleber Jesus und das Weiner das Poopies' genannt wird.

41. Look at the purchases of the person next to you at the grocery check-out and say, "you must be single." When they say, "How'd you know?" say, "Because you're ugly."

42. List all the words that rhyme with 'forty-two'. Don't include 'orange', 'silver' or 'purple', even if they seem to rhyme.

43. I'm slowing down. Don't know if I can make it to 50.

44. Ask for donations for your charitable cause - providing guns for the homeless.

45. Create a faster Multi-pole Method to deal with the complexity of n-body calculations applied to celestial mechanics and protein folding.

46. Build a bunch of penises out of lego and give them to each of your neighbors as presents for Lego Penis Day.

47. Stick your head in a honey jar and say, 'Oh bother.'

48. Tape a lego penis to your forehead and say, "Does this lego penis make me look like Lieutenant

49. Go to the circus and tell all the clowns to fuck off.

50. Rent a loudspeaker and cruise around town announcing, "Calling all weiner poopies! Calling all weiner poopies! This is Cement Jesus! Come in, weiner poopies!"

Funnily enough, last week at the In 'n Out Burger drive-thru in Laughlin, the girl asked us if the order was "to go?" We just looked at each other and rolled our eyes.
Push the button in the elevator and become irate that that it did not dispense gum.
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