Wednesday, January 07, 2009


Back On The Wagon

I was supposed to have my annual-and-a-bit check-up with my cardiologist next Monday. The last time I saw him was around October of 2007, and he was impressed. I had been taking care of myself for the first time in...well, ever really. I made it a priority to get my ass on the treadmill every morning for an hour, and I was being a bit smarter about the food I ate. I had gone from a "HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN!?" 375-380 pounds to a somewhat healthier 280. Yes, he was blown away.

Since that time I have pretty much abandoned that healthy routine. I have had intermittent knee/back/hip/sciatica pain that I was able to use as an excuse to avoid the treadmill. I also had to deal with the sudden illness and subsequent death of my mother in April. Every day after work for a couple of months I would go through some drive-thru and grab a burger and fries or something just as evil, and I would eat it while I drove to Hooterville to visit my mother in the hospital before visiting hours ended. I stuffed down my feelings with junk food, looking for comfort, and instead, created a cycle of self-loathing for having no self-control. Now that my father is battling cancer, I feel like I'm still spiralling out of control awaiting the latest news or test result from his oncologist.

I've lost sight of what led me to lose the weight in the first place. Initially, it began with fear of the direction of my business, which caused me to lose my appetite. I lost a few pounds and figured perhaps I could use this to my advantage. The biggest factor though, was the desire to be around for a long time to watch my girls grow up. So now I'm focusing on that thought again.

Like I said, I had my cardiologist appointment scheduled for this coming Monday. That thought filled me with fear. When I was at my heaviest, he would harp on me about heart disease, diabetes, and all those other fun things that so far I managed to dodge. "You're a ticking time-bomb", he'd say. And it would scare me. I also felt like a failure. The last time I was there I felt great. The doctor did everything but kneel and bow before me for my achievement. I was proud of myself. In less than a year and a half, I have gained back 45 pounds and do little to no physical activity whatsoever.

I dreaded this appointment coming up. I remembered that at my last appointment he had given me a requisition form for some blood work to be completed prior to this upcoming appointment. Where this form is now I have no idea. I found it a few months back, but since then it has disappeared. I called the cardiologist's office and spoke with the receptionist about the form. Apparently it takes one to two weeks for the results to be obtained and sent through, so we'd have to re-book our appointment and I could pick up a new requisition form at the office. I requested a Monday appointment so I could get in on my day off. The next available Monday appointment is in May.

This morning I got back on the treadmill for 30 minutes to get back into it. If I get serious again and maintain a daily routine on the treadmill and watch my diet, by the time that appointment rolls around I could perceivably lose most, if not all, of the weight I had put back on. This is going to be a pretty intense four months.

I allowed Christmas to do me in. I haven't weighed myself since November but I can feel I've gained again. We need to get together, ol' pal. And I don't mean for dinner.
I am rooting for you. Have you been following Oprah's show at all? I know she is not everyone's cup of tea, but she has been through a setback and is talking about it regularly in her "Best Life 2009" series.
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